Decided to spice this week up a little bit - get more personal again. I wrote this about a year ago. Would obviously never send it to the intended, but I like it. Hope someone gets something out of it.
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
When we broke up, I was high off my ass. I didn’t mean to get so high. But alas, there I was, on the phone with you, struggling to get the words out. When you first apologized, I thought that you were breaking up with me. In the time between your “we should talk” text that morning and our phone call that night, I had utterly convinced myself that you were going to break up with me. So when you apologized, I replied that it’s okay - that it wasn’t the right time. You paused and my heart sank. Wait, what? I tried so hard to come up with words as my mind floated off into a million directions and none at all. Then the conversation followed the way of my mind, aimless and peppered with gaps in speech and thought and clarity.
You know how when you die, they say your whole life flashes before your eyes? Well, our whole relationship flashed before my eyes. I thought of how it felt to be curled up next to you in your sheets, limbs entwined, your head nestled in my shoulder. I thought of how it felt to see you in person for the first time, how weird but good it felt to have a real person standing right in front of me. Then I thought about how I was high the first time I slipped into your DMs and how I was now high and about to break up with you. I couldn’t help but cry at the bow that was being laced around our relationship.
Before our phone call, I danced. I spent the afternoon making this playlist I titled “what it feels like.” Cheesy, I know but what did you expect? I made the playlist and then I put it on and I danced. The kind of dancing that truly adhered to the adage “dance like nobody’s watching.” I felt liberated in the approaching doom. Arms above my head, I swivelled my hips around, crooning the lyrics, “All that I know is mirrors inside me, they recognize you, please don’t deny me.” I danced and danced and felt everything and nothing at all.
I wish I hadn’t been high. Maybe then I would’ve truly felt the levity of what I was doing. Maybe then I would’ve felt the simultaneously dull and sharp ache that accompanied letting you go. I feel it now. And I regret all of it.
Here is the playlist I made if interested:
Everybody say thank you SZA!!!
ZOE KRAVITZ SINGLE HANDEDLY MADE CHANNING TATUM HOT AGAIN
Should we be thanking her? Jury is still out. Regardless, this is a surprising celebrity couple that I simply can’t get enough of. Reports say that pair started spending time with each other after Kravitz cast the recent divorced Tatum in her directorial debut, Pussy Island. Apparently, Tatum is a huge feminist, making him one Kravitz’s (who is also recently divorced) first choices for the project.
Every day we are confronted with a new slate of paparazzi photos of the pair galavanting around NYC, and I can’t get enough.
Partially because it’s so obvious that we are in the midst of Channing Tatum rebranding himself. In his Magic Mike/ The Vow years, Tatum was one of the most in demand leading men in Hollywood. Since the MeToo Movement, as with many other male stars, his career has fallen by the way side. What we’re watching now is Channing Tatum showing the world who he is in this post-MeToo, post-COVID era. It’s kind of fascinating.
DONDA THIS, DONDA THAT
Kanye West’s highly, highly anticipated new album is finally here. And, of course, it’s, well, a Kanye West album. I’ve always found Kanye to be such a cryptic figure. He joins a long lineage of artists who almost make you feel bad for consuming their art. In same vein of Woody Allen or R. Kelly, how do consume the art of someone you know is detrimental to society in some way? This is a question I certainly don’t have an answer for. Are we still allowed to listen to Michael Jackson? Or to appreciate the lobster scene in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall?
Regardless of what you think the answer may be, with Donda, West has proven that he is an artist intent on creating. For better or worst, the man is going to keep creating. What he’s trying to prove, I think we all would like to know.
The album was apparently released by Universal Record without Kanye’s consent.
At least the gays have their priorities straight…some of the time.
NORMANI INVENTS FASHION!
This past weekend, Normani walked the the runway at D*lce & G*bbana’s Alta Moda show.
Say what you will about the design house’s less than stellar track record and politics, but Normani looks STUH-NING! Of course, she ended the event by dancing the night away with Megan and Ciara.
THINGS I CONSUMED THIS WEEK:
@everyoutfitonsatc is an Instagram account and now brand that started by cataloguing every outfit worn by the four women across the entire Sex and the City series and both movies. The account now has a book called We Should All Be Mirandas (which I proudly own), lots of merch, and a podcast that I LOVE. In this past week’s episode, they talked about the episode in which Miranda’s mother dies, Carrie’s computer crashes, and Samantha loses her orgasm. It is truly iconic episode of TV and arguably one of the series’ best.
Y’all know I love Hunter Harris. I also love a little show called Succession. Since the show is slated to come back this fall, Hunter Harris spent two weeks in Tuscany with the cast, profiling, interviewing, and following them around Italy, for Vulture Magazine. The show is great; Hunter Harris is great; the profile is great; and I can’t wait for season three.
Enough said.
This article from The CUT about how many writers, at least the well-known ones, tend to be very fashionable. Whether it be James Baldwin, Joan Didion, F. Scott Fitzgerald, or Jeremy O. Harris, or even Carrie Bradshaw, there is a long lineage of writers being fashionable. There’s a fascinating connection between to two.
Whit Stillman’s 1998 film, The Last Days of Disco, starring Chloe Sevigny and Kate Beckinsale. I’d never seen this film before, and I’m mad I didn’t watch it sooner. It’s about two young college graduates living in NYC who spend their free time at “the club".” Set in 1980/81, “the club” is a euphemism for Studio 54. The film itself is pretty slow, but he dialogue is biting and funny, and Chloe and Kate are superb! (I also think it’s pretty inspired casting to cast Chloe, a 90’s it girl known for being a part of the New York club scene).
I’m obsessed with Fran Tirado’s newsletter. They are a queer writer and “influencer” based in NYC, and their newsletter covers everything from the creative process to queer sex to queer shows we should be watching.
There was more pop culture this week (I know you all saw Camilla Cabello’s awful “look” for what looks to be an equally awful movie), but I simply don’t feel like writing about it. Also I haven’t and probably won’t listen to the Chromatic Remix album (I am NOT a Chromatica Gay). Anyway, I did listen to Drake’s new album and I honestly love. Anyway, happy weekend.
X, Bryce